My heart is breaking. What else can you do apart from just praying. When you cant do anything. I just wanna give you a big hug and tell you its all going to be okay. But I dont really know if it is going to be okay.

God please watch over my dearest friend and keep her safe and lessen her suffering please.

4 years ago I struggled greatly with depression. I remember standing on the bridge and wanting to jump. Thank God something in me made me call a suicide hotline and just crying and blubbering at the woman and she just listening to me. I didn't jump that night.

My parents divorce affected me more then I thought it would. No matter what bad things my dad had done, a part of me always loved him and never stopped loving him which made it hard for me. I remember both the horrible stuff-like him pointing a knife at my mother, me seeing things I shouldn't be seeing, the loan sharks, the arguments, also, I remember him putting his hands where it shouldn't have gone. But, I also remember the good times where he would take me on the back of his motorbike and just go on adventures. The longkang fishing , catching of frogs, looking for fruits in the wild. Something deep in my heart asked why did he not fight to better himself and stay in our lives did he not love us?

After the divorce, I developed a defense mechanism just to run away. I blocked him out of my life. Then, we received a call that he was in a home by the government and that they had found him at the side of the road or something like that. I plucked up the courage and went to visit him, I brought a picture of my mother, my brother and I in a photoframe with my number on it. Then, the calls came. "Girl can you lend me $2000?" When I said I did not have the money the words to guilt trip me came "you dont trust me?" At that point in time, yes I did not trust him, but it was true I did not have the money at all and was living pay check to paycheck as I was working in a start up company. Slowly, I just stopped taking his calls and he gave up. I know that one day I would have to face him again, but distancing myself and running away seems easier doesn't it.

Also, to cope with all my feelings and shit I started some very unhealthy habits. All these habits helped me escape from my current reality temporary but reality has a way of catching up with you. Cutting, I empathise with those who do cut as I myself have felt why. That sudden built up of all the emotions and you just don't know what the heck to do with it. But, as you slice into the flesh the emotions dribble away from your body just like how a balloon deflates when you let it go. The feelings are just temporary and you turn to it time and time again. That was just one of the unhealthy addictions I was caught up in to escape my reality. I was too proud to say to my loved ones I am struggling. Help me. It hurts to much. I dont think I can carry on. I would quit one addiction and start the next.

1 year ago in September I quit my addiction to nicotine and I struggled so hard. This time I did it with support of my few close friends. September and October was the worse time in my life. My body was reacting super badly to the drug that my doctor had prescribe for me to help me let go of my addiction. My friends encouraged me to push on and would meet me randomly to fill the suddenly empty smoke breaks in my life. In November of 2017 God led me to find Systema and Systema had begun to heal me on the inside.

The difference between Systema and dance classes/exercise classes is that you work your body physically only during those classes but in Systema you also work on your soul. My first lesson I remember learning so much about myself. My first few falls and learning that it is okay to fall down. Let go of my pride and ego and fall and my body would be okay. Hold it up and refuse to fall, I am going to fall anyway because what I think is holding me up is going to make me fall even more. Also, there I realised how I view every threatening situation or situations that would cause my body to go into fight or flight mode. My automatic response would be flight. I would run away from all the attacks. Reflecting back, that is like how I ran away from all my problems. I remember Scott once telling us during a lesson that if you run away yes you escape a situation but you do nothing to it and the escape is only temporary. But if you move in a way that you are close you can do things to your attacker. That was where I started looking at my life in a totally different way.

In a way I just kept going back for classes week after week. I had signed up for 4 classes but as i neared my 4th class a sudden panic filled me. I could not imagine never going back for classes. So I joined the club.

A second part of me that Systema had healed which is built up with pride is not wanting to be in the wrong. Just a short background history whenever I learn new stuff. Like the keyboard or dance and I don't get it, I would get very hard on myself and berate myself a lot. Looking back it was probably because I wanted to look good. Woooaah my EGO was huge and I did not realise it was my ego at that point in time in my life and perhaps I lied to myself that it so I could do better. Have higher expectations of myself but now I see it for what it is. Boy every Systema class I have attended through the year was a humbling experience in itself. I learnt it was okay not to get it, but if I kept working on it , eventually one day I will get it.

In the past 4 years I have been working on loving myself and boy it was the hardest thing and the craziest thing I struggled with. When your soul and heart is so broken and scarred it is almost impossible to love yourself. I cannot explain what happened internally for me but just like how in Kintsugi where you mend broken pottery pieces with gold. It was like Systema filled my cracks with something so beautiful and made me feel whole again. Also, the more you work on your scarred tissues the more it will heal.

I begun looking at my fears in a totally different way. I dissected it, am I physically scared of it or and I psychologically scared of it? I used to not do shit with my life. I started filling my life with dance on monday, tuesday systema, dance on wednesday, systema on thursday, dance on friday, systema on saturday and church on Sunday. My life had never been so full before but I did not feel tired. I felt alive.

I had anger management issues, sometime I struggled with and maybe struggle a little still but am so much better now. Anger poisoned my soul, it clouded my choices, my thinking and the way I lived life. Somehow going for classes took away my aggression. Anger management issues is not just physical, for me it is mental. My mind was a very angry place. Anger made my soul weak and unravel me whenever I had troubles. I would get angry at myself when I made mistakes while playing at mass. HAH. angry at myself when I made mistakes WOAH... isn't that ego speaking again? Who am I playing for again during mass? Is it for myself or was it to worship God? My close friend DK also told me she saw the changes in me the past 1 year and how she sees me growing stronger emotionally.

In January this year God also taught me an important lesson. I injured my left toe during dance class. It was numb and I could not feel anything inside. I was very angry, why would you do this to me God? God taught me gratefulness. I started learning to accept this kink in my body and becoming grateful that this injury was just numbness and that I don't live in chronic pain like some of my close loved ones. It took me about 2 months to accept it and I am very sure that Systema had already changed the way I view situations and helped me come to this acceptance.

Throughout this year I started doing shit I never thought I would do in my life. Planning a solo trip to Osaka, climbing two hills, bungee jumping when I was so afraid of heights and even at this year's annual flu jab I did not cry or run away. My mind got over the psychological fear!

Also, I learnt that love is not about changing the person. True love is also about loving all the bad parts just like how God loves us unconditionally. If you want the person to change you don't truly love that person but you love the idea of that person. It is also a reflection of self love and accepting all my bad parts and just striving each day to be a better me.

Physically Systema has been making me fitter and stronger but what makes it differ from other self defense classes is that it also makes your soul stronger and fitter too.

Am eternally grateful for God leading me to this amazing loved filled community.