Know my worth
Wednesday, February 24, 2021 @ 7:17 PM
Friday, February 19, 2021 @ 10:18 PM
Instead of numbing the pain and pretending it does not exist
Today I let it wash over me.
Trying not to put up walls. Trying not to push anyone away. Boy it's hard.
When I am weak, you are strong.
Thursday, February 18, 2021 @ 10:50 PM
When will I ever stop running from pain?
Letting go and letting God
Friday, February 12, 2021 @ 12:37 AM
My introverted shell has been cracked wide open, its been a long time since I felt like this.
This year has been extremely humbling. Pride is something I constantly struggled with.
Starting from the bottom and not having anything has humbled me so so so much and I need to remain in this state of humility. Its not good to return to the prideful state I was in.
So many things have been out of my control and I cannot control anything. I cannot control what people will say or what people may do. It is a great place to grow in trust.
My food anxiety has ebbed and I'm starting to eat normally again.
I have stopped pushing people away this year and its such a vulnerable feeling.
Have started going for systema again and its so apt that all the internal work is not about putting up walls or stopping the pain and hurt from coming but from accepting what they give and making myself vulnerable and from this acceptance I find freedom to work.
It's nice to have a community to train with every week who accept me back so welcomingly even though all I did was left and ran away.
Attending keyboard lessons have been extremely humbling too. I am forced to just not have expectations of myself. and each time I lower these expectations I find myself enjoying myself more and more and learning a lot.
Its jarring to know I have been trying to live like that for such a long time.
2021 is where the walls come down.
Been cuddling more with my mum on the sofa, spending more time with friends, keeping my room door open. Owning my mistakes and not making excuses. It's been so scary and the only time when I felt the same way was when I leaned forward 2 years ago on the bungee ledge. I knew everything was out of my control but I would not die.
I know God got his hands on me.
@ 12:24 AM
If I didn't leave or take a hiatus. Would it have been any different? If I didn't run away. Would anything have changed?
Maybe God is saving me from heartbreak this way.
Thank you for teaching me how to love without expecting anything back.
Growth
Friday, February 5, 2021 @ 12:43 AM
I have grown.
I am still human. I struggle. I cry. I feel sad. I feel anxious.
The difference is how I fight my battles. It feels like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded with God.
