It is written, "Worship the Lord your God and serve him only".

Jesus was also tempted when he came to this world by the Devil but he resisted too with the help of the spirit.

The spirit will only come if you say yes.

Speak lord, your servant is listening.

I had this whole process over the concept of shame and pride this week.I realised we are so often ridden with guilt and shame. But thats like what the devil wants us to feel. Unworthy of God's love. Just like how Eve and Adam ate the apple in the garden and they felt shame and hid from God.

[Genesis 3:7] "Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves."

We are all damaged and we pass on that damage to our children. But like thats how we were brought up. Like shaming our actions and inducing this shame and remorse.

So I have been struggling with my weight since probably primary school. Growing up in Singapore every relative you meet, your conversation is why so thin? Why so fat? It marks you and creates an anxiety you never knew existed.

So I have an eating problem. I dealt with feelings using food. Angry eat, sad eat, happy eat. So I became so big. At my biggest I weighed 110kgs.

This past 2018 has been a great game changer for me in terms of being able to regularly exercise and my body changed so much. The old clothes dont fit anymore. They are too big, but I still had this entire food anxiety thing around food, i started bringing my own food to work which helped eased a lot of the food anxiety.

Also, there were so many moments when I ate like a standard Singaporean breakfast and felt so guilty and ashamed of what I ate.

So, I have been trying to change my mindset and perception. There is just no need to feel guilt. I ate that, i just need to go work it out. So instead of just crying over spilled milk these past two days I started running. I first ran 2.4km. Then today I ran 3.3km. Firstly it was not easy to get my ass off and go run cause I hate running. But I realised after round 1, the subsequent rounds were easier. Its just getting started and my low muscle tone doesnt help motivate me either. Hahaa... then I realised I like how I feel after running. My hips feels so much more relaxed. My mind is taken off the negativity and body shaming and yea my legs ache a little. But I am so happy they hurt lesser then when I first ran at the downtown area! Which means my body is growing stronger. Not sure if I can keep ip the running when work starts, but for sure I can go for a run on sundays or saturday afternoons for sure.

Also, before the year ended I was struggling really a lot with loving myself physically. But I realise theres more to that and I have come a long way and beauty is really not skin deep and the worldly desire of wanting to be hot and desirable is understandable. But I now see worldly desires does not equal love and that I should put Christ in the center of all things, cause he is love.

[1 John 4:16] "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."

So what is my resolution for 2019? What do I want to grow in? I want to grow in self love, I want to not feel guilt, shame and the feeling of being unworthy. I want to be bochup but in a good way. Let go and Let God.